Monday, November 9th - Dear Miss Pearl...

Dear Miss Pearl,

I live in a city 250 miles away from my hometown. I have a husband, two children and a business to run, so I can't get home to look after my sick mother as often as I would like, but when I do get home, about every other weekend, I make sure that I relieve my sister who moved in with our mother after she had a stroke.

My sister never really worked a regular job because she has always been "flighty" and quits after she's worked long enough to get unemployment. Before our father passed away, he was always giving her money whenever she was about to be evicted or needed money to pay her bills.

My mom is on limited income right now and I can afford to help, so I do by sending $500 each month to pay for my mother's food and light bill and I also send my sister $300 a month to go in her pocket just for my appreciation since I can't be there.

My mom can't really communicate the way that she used to be able to and the last few times that I have been home, I noticed that she seems "unhappy" but I couldn't tell what was going on. I just assumed that she was upset about her current situation. It didn't dawn on me that my sister wouldn't leave us alone, even though I told her that I was there and she could take a break.

On the way home after that last trip, my husband said, "Your sister is neglecting your mother." I cussed him out because I know that she is a fool, but would never think that. Well, recently I went home and my sister had to leave for a minute and the nurse stopped by, she told me that my sister has been hitting my mother and leaving her in the house alone. When I confronted my mother, she wouldn't say yes, but she wouldn't say no and she CAN communicate by shaking her head. My sister is my mother's favorite child, so I know that it would kill her if I moved her away from her, so I don't know what to do.

I could see in her eyes that it might be true that my sister had hit her and and when I cried, she cried. I got into a physical fight with my sister when I told her that I was taking mom home with me and she cried and swore that she wasn't doing anything to mom, but admitted that she had left her home by herself a few times while she was asleep because she "needed" a break. I felt bad that she felt the need to "sneak" out of the house because I am not there while she is forced to take care of mama every day, but my husband says that there is no excuse for her behavior, and then there is the thing with her hitting mom, which I've never confirmed.

Should I move my mother with me and leave my sister to fend for herself at the house, since she is not working and mom's check pays the rent at the house?

Mama's Daughter
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Dear Mama's Daughter,

You have no obligation to your sister after you bring your mother to live with you, ESPECIALLY since there are allegations that she's abused and neglected her. If your sister needed a break, it wouldn't have taken much to ask someone to sit with her for a couple of hours while she left to do whatever she needed to do, and I'm not trying to take anything away from the stress that comes with caring for an ailing parent, but there is still something called accountability.

If you want to bring your mother to live with you, clear it through your husband (and I don't care what anyone has to say, it's his home too and this should be discussed as a family) and then either bring her to live with you, or put her up in a nursing facility close enough where you can visit every day.

As far as your sister is concerned, maybe you can help her for a couple of months and then she'll have to get a damn job to take care of herself. If you want to ask her to come to the city you live in and then get an apartment for her and your mother there, maybe it won't be as stressful for her if she has you there to pick up the slack when she "needs a break", but don't leave your mother there alone for another minute.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com