Monday, August 13th - Dear Miss Pearl...

Dear Miss Pearl,

Since I was in high school, I have always known that one day I would meet and fall in love with (celebrities name withheld). My family has always thought that I was crazy for being in love with a man who was on TV and in the movies, but I just knew that we were meant to be together.

As soon as I graduated from high school, I moved to California to be closer to him so that I could be in a better place to run into him somewhere. Eventually I got a job at a restaurant where celebrities often eat hoping to run into him one day. Well I eventually ran into him and it was love at first sight. The day I met him, he was with his wife, but I knew that if he got the chance to know me, he would leave her and we would finally be together. That day I got fired from my job because it was company policy not to gaze, or try to talk to celebrities unless they engage us.

When he left, I followed him outside even though my boss threatened me that if I did, he would let me go. Oh well, I knew what I had to do and I did it. A few weeks later, I found out where he lived and I went to his house every single day. His bitch ass wife called the police on me and I was taken away, but I came back every day until he eventually came out to talk to me.

He asked me to leave, but I knew that it was because of that bitch he was married to at the time. Joke was on her though because he divorced her fat ass. I found out that he was staying at a hotel in the city about three months ago and I went there. After I talked a maid into letting me inside the room after he checked out, I went in there and got into the hot tub. Well, Miss Pearl. I am pregnant and I am a virgin, so I know that I am pregnant from his sperm that was leftover in the hot tub.

You are my only hope to get him to understand that I am pregnant because I cannot find him to tell him. So, please tell (name withheld) that he should contact (name withheld) because I know that he is a stand up guy who will do the right thing.

Please help,

(Name Withheld by Miss Pearl)
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Dear Name Withheld,

Giiiiirl, do people get flattened by safes being dropped from sky scrapers and then they stand up and shake their head and get filled with air and walk away two seconds later on your planet? Close your eyes and open them up real fast, did you see a Unicorn? Baby girl, you don't need help from Miss Pearl, you need help from a trained professional, preferably someone with a white coat, some real strong medications and a straight jacket.

Sweetie, I need to be honest with you here. If this man wanted you, he would BE with you! It sounds like he's met you on more than a couple of occasions, and instead of asking to see you again, he called the POLICE, at what point does that let you know that he doesn't want to be bothered? Girl, if you're pregnant, it ain't by this man! Think about it, even if you DID get pregnant from a damn hot tub, how do you know that you got pregnant from HIS sperm? Do you know that he ever even used the damn thing? What if that was the sperm of a 400lb Elvis impersonator who stayed in that room two weeks ago?

You need HELP because advice ain't gonna get it. You need medical help - physical only if you refuse the medical.

Please, please, please talk to somebody who can get you the help you need, baby. Go talk to somebody at church, or call your mother but you need assistance that I can't give you.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com