Dear Miss Pearl,
First of all, I love your site and I read it every
single day. I never thought that I would be one of the people asking your for
advice, but here I am. My boyfriend asked me to marry him two years ago, we
planned a wedding for June of 2010, but he changed his mind and we put it off
until June of 2011.
I had already planned the wedding, sent out
invitations, paid for the cake, etc and he came to me and said that he just
doesn't know if I'm the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, so he
wanted to continue to live together until he was sure. I recently asked him if
he ever plans to marry me and he told me that he is 95% sure that he wants to
marry me, but he has started seeing other women in order to be 100% sure that
I'm the one he wants to be with forever.
I don't know what to do. He has
started coming home whenever he wants to. And he gets mad if I ask him where
he's been. He's holding it over my head because he knows that I want to get
married so badly. I know I am being stupid, but my mother tells me that I should
let him sow his wild oats so that by the time we get married, he will be done
with all of that.
Is my mother right? Should I wait it out?
Dear Tired of Waiting,
definitely aren't tired enough because if you were, you would have been out the
door the first time he told you that he didn't want you! Your mother is
probably from the old school, a dying breed of women who have convinced
themselves that there are no good men, and that a woman should simply be happy
just to have a man around, and if that means you have to share him with another
woman - be polite and share him.
Aunt Pearl ain't that kind of woman,
baby! If a man tells you that he's not sure if he wants to be with you, then
it's up to you to make his mind up for him! Don't stick around being
miserable waiting on a man to DECIDE if he wants you. If he doesn't want to be
with you, pack his shit and let him go and move on with your life. Black women
have a hard enough time with men these days than to still be sitting idly by
waiting on a man to pick her up like she's a stray puppy on the side of the
Your problem is that you're so desperate for a man that you're
willing to do anything to get and keep one. You are going to have to learn to
love yourself before you can let anyone else into your life to love you. There
is only one person you should more than yourself, and that's God. Besides him,
and at some point, your children - don't put anybody else before you -
This man does the things he does to you because you let
him! The day you decide that you've had enough, is the day your life takes
a turn for the better. I know it's hard to find a good man, but they're out
there. You just have to be diligent in your search for one and not settle for a
piece of man. When you meet a man and he exhibits the first sign that he is
selfish and self serving - believe him, and move around!
If you want
advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: firstname.lastname@example.org