Tuesday, August 21st - Dear Miss Pearl...

Dear Miss Pearl,

I'm Paul and I have a quick question that I think I already have the answer to. When I was married, my oldest brother Paul had an affair with my wife and she had a baby. I didn't know about the baby or the affair until my daughter was 3 years old and one of my cousins told me being messy.

When I asked my wife, she told me the truth and also told me that my daughter probably wasn't mine. (I should mention that she got pregnant while I was letting my brother live with my wife and I after his wife put him out for getting another woman pregnant)

Well, we went through the whole DNA test thing and fortunately my daughter was mine, but I moved out of the house, eventually divorced my now ex wife and told my brother that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. The rest of the family can't seem to get over the fact that I want nothing to do with Paul. If he's around the family and I'm around, I say hello, give him a hug, but I don't go out of my way to call, or have any conversation for him.

My mom says that she thinks that "blood is thicker than water" and I should forgive Paul because it's been two years. I told her that I forgive him but I still don't trust or want a relationship with him anymore.

Can you forgive someone and not want to be around them anymore, or does not being around them mean that you truly haven't forgiven them?

Cal Lee
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Dear Cal Lee,

I get so sick of people trying to use that, "blood is thicker than water" $heyit in order to guilt you into accepting someone elses wrong. Here's my issue - if blood is thicker than water, then blood owes you a lot more than the other person does!

See, with the divorce rate as it is, you can always get a new wife (not that you should go into marriage with that mindset) but you just can't go out there and pick new blood. Your wife was trifling, but your brother owed you respect and allegiance as a) the man who had the same blood flowing through his veins, b) the man who trusted him with his wife after he'd cheated on his own and c) the man who had allowed his stankin a$$ to move into his home when he didn't have anywhere to go!

If you say that you have resigned within yourself that you forgive Paul but don't want anything else to do with him - you have that right. I say it all the time; Just because I don't want anything to do with you doesn't mean that I'm harboring ill feelings toward you. I've forgiven you, I've moved on, but I realize that I can't trust you, and don't want to risk allowing you to cause me more grief/hurt. Now, you did that, so deal with it!

So, the answer to your question is, "Yes, you can forgive someone and not want to be around them." You are doing a lot better than most brothers in your predicament, because most brothers damn sure wouldn't be reaching out to shake his hand - they'd be reachin for his throat.

You can love your brother from afar, but I want you to check something for me. Think about your brother and if you experience feelings of anger, hurt, or extreme disappointment when you do - then you're not over it yet, and you truly haven't forgiven him. But if you think about your brother and you have no ill feelings and you're OK with that - tell your mama nem to let it go just like you have.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com