Dear Miss Pearl,
Well, the one thing I thought would never happen in my
relationship of almost 6 years, has happened. He hit me. Not once, but twice. We
had been drinking and we were arguing, but this is not new because we have
argued before, but he has never put his hands on me. I know the rules, "If he
hits you once, he'll do it again."
I just don't know what to do. The bad
part about it is, he keeps saying it was all my fault. He is not at all
apologetic for what he did & everybody else is walking around like nothing
I don't have any family where I live, so he knows he has
nothing to worry about. I don't see him the same anymore. Growing up, my mom was
a total b*****, but not once did my dad ever lay a hand on her.
should I do?
Woman on the edge
Woman on the edge,
You never said whether this man that you've been in a
relationship with for the past six years is your husband or your boyfriend,
because it will make a difference in how I respond to your quest for
For arguments sake, I'll assume that he's your boyfriend and then
I'll ask a couple of questions that only you will know the answer to. The first
question is, do you believe that any man who put his hands on you not
once, but twice is worth your self respect?
Once you've decided to get
honest with yourself and answer yes to that question, the next
question that I suggest you ask yourself is why? Why do you believe
that you're self worth is so low that you have to tolerate a man putting his
hands on you and then allow him to blame you for the fact that he has
no self control?
You've said it all in your letter, he hit you while you
both were drinking, (so I'm only getting one side of this story) but he
isn't even apologetic about what's happened and that leads me to believe that
you were right about the fact that he knows that he has you in a city where you
are totally alone, and he's making you totally dependent upon him by
manipulating you into believing that his issues are somehow your
Whatever his reasons are, there is no excuse for a man to put his
hands on a woman (and, incidentally, no reason for a woman to put her hands on
any man, either). Personally, if a man put his hands on me and refused to even
acknowledge that he's done so, he'd be sitting in jail thinking about what he
didn't do, and I'd be packing a bag before I'd be sending an emailed
request for "advice".
If you decide to stay in that dysfunction, then you
need to sit your boyfriend down, look him straight in the eye and explain to him
that, the very next time he puts his hands on you, you will begin a chain of
events that will forever alter the course of his life.
The first step is
to find something to try to knock his spleen loose. The second step is to call
an ambulance to stop his bleeding. The Third step is to dial 9-1-1, to press
charges and have him arrested and put in jail and hopefully that time
away from his job will cause him to be fired, giving him even more reason to
think about the consequences of his actions - and then you're packing up your
things and you're going back home, in that order! The most important
thing here is, you have to mean every single word of what you tell him, and
he has to know that you mean it. All it takes is to lose your mind on a
woman beater one time. And he'll never feel comfortable sleeping next
to you again (unless he has one eye open). Sometimes you have to make a bully
afraid of you.
You say that you don't have any family
there, you'd better find a church so that you can get some counseling. Sometimes
we think that we can handle things on our own, but oftentimes you need guidance
from that "other" source.
If you want advice from Miss
Pearl, send me an email to: firstname.lastname@example.org