Dear Miss Pearl,
I'm struggling with the decision of letting my husband's
15 year old daughter come to live with my husband and I. "Sheray" is a
"troubled" girl to say the least. Sheray's mother has trained her to believe
that I am the reason her parents broke up, when nothing could be further from
My husband and his ex-wife weren't living together when I met
him and he was living with his best friend. When we met, he had just moved out
of her house and in with Jeff about three weeks prior. At the time, he told me
that he was in the process of a divorce, but I told him that I wouldn't go out
with him unless I could come to where he lived first (to make sure that he
wasn't just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear).
When we started
to get serious about 7 or 8 months later, his ex, by that time, had officially
added me to her "list". No matter how many times I tried to convince her that I
didn't know her husband until after he had moved out, it was
Because they had an 8 year old daughter at the time, I wanted
to make piece in case I ended up getting close to his little girl. I have gone
back and forth with the ex-wife and the daughter for 7 years and it's
ridiculous. I try to treat this girl like my child and nothing works. The sad
thing is, she says things around me that lets me know that she is hearing them
from someone else (her mom). She tells me that she doesn't have to do anything
that I say do, and to my husband's credit, he gets in her a$$ when she does
that, but it's still a struggle for me.
She disrespects my husband by
telling him that it's his fault that he left her mother for another woman (me).
She gets mad at him and then starts throwing little jabs at us like, "I'm not
getting married because ALL men cheat, and I don't know what I would do if my
husband left me for another tramp." I want to slap the $hit out of her, but
again, my husbands is on her a$$ before I can open my mouth.
Here is the
problem, now that my husbands ex has trained her to be be disrespectful to me
and my husband, the tables have finally turned on her, and now her daughter is
beating HER a$$. She is now complaining to my husband about the fact that their
daughter is fighting her and wants him to ask ME if it's OK if she comes to live
with us, so that her father can straighten her out.
I am back and forth
about this, 99% sure that I don't want this disrespectful girl who will hit her
mother living with me, but at the same time, I know what it means to my
What to do?
Giiiirl, I wouldn't want to be you on my worst day. Your
step-daughter needs a swift kick in the a$$ and hopefully your husband will
continue to give it to her. I know that it will be rough, but you have to
understand that this is your husband's child and asking him to turn his back on
her will eventually cause some disruption in your relationship with him. (which
is probably what Sheray and her mammy are looking forward to)
husband has to be able to promise you that he won't allow the bride of Chucky to
be disrespectful to you whether he's at home or not, and he has to promise to
pay for counseling for all of you in order to figure out where her anger comes
I suspect that this girl is mad at you and her father because her
mammy trained her to believe that he left THEM and YOU are the reason he left.
The three of you need to fix that, and if the mammy wants some
assistance, then she needs to be the one to explain that what she told her is
If you allow Sheray to live with you, it will be a
challenge so be ready for one, but at the same time, she'll be 18 in a couple of
years and dealing with a few years of her drama may be worth it when you look at
the bigger picture of possibly losing your husband to resentment if you don't
allow him the opportunity to "save" his daughter.
Besides, if you told me
that your husband was allowing her to be disrespectful, then I would tell you to
say "hell no!", but you said yourself that he is on her a$$ every chance he
It may not end up as bad as you think.
If you want advice
from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: firstname.lastname@example.org