Dear Miss Pearl,
My husband cheated on me before we got married, and got
the woman he was messing with pregnant. I did leave him for a while, but I
eventually took him back because I really loved him and he and I agreed to go to
counseling to try to work through it.
Counseling was pretty much a
success because we worked through a lot of issues that I didn't even know
existed. He told me that he wanted to be with me and that he loved me and wanted
to work past the mistake he made, but he also wanted to be a father to the child
he made while cheating.
I agreed to work with him on it and it was
wonderful for a minute, but dealing with the child he made wasn't as easy as I
thought it would be. It has been 4 years and I still haven't warmed up to this
child or the fact that my husband is going to be attached to her
He has asked me to have another baby because he wants a sister
for our son, but I can't get past the fact that he already has a daughter and
it's not fair to me or to my son. I want to fix this, but I don't know how
without admitting to my husband that I resent his daughter.
mistreat her when she comes around, but I know that she can tell that I'm not
feeling her, even as a child.
Should I go back into counseling with my
husband and run the risk of ruining my marriage after I admit that I don't want
his child around? I know that it will ruin my marriage because I know how he
feels about his children and I can't really blame him.
What should I
I think that you should get into counseling, but hold off
inviting your husband until your counselor tells you that it's OK to bring him
in, if you need to bring him in at all. I commend you
on making an attempt to work through your relationship with counseling as
opposed to trying to work it out yourself, and it's not your fault that you
THOUGHT that you had worked through your issues with the other child if you made
an honest effort to get past it.
I can't even tell you what it's like to
have to look at your husband's infidelity every other weekend because I know
that has to be painful, but you're in a situation where telling your husband how
you feel about his child could affect your relationship with him, so I'd suggest
you go into counseling again, but try to go through some individual counseling
first to see if you can work through it on your own and then if you
need to bring your husband in, he will see that you
were making an effort and take that into account before he rushes to
The first thing you need to understand as you go into this
process is that being "resentful" of step-children, particularly those born of
infidelity is normal. Try to get into some counseling if you truly want to work
on your marriage and remember, that kid has nothing to do with what her mother
and father did, so always remember that as you deal with her.
If you want
advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: email@example.com