Tuesday, October 16th - Dear Miss Pearl...

Dear Miss Pearl,

My boyfriend and I have lived together for the past 19 years. We never got married because it just wasn't that big a deal to either one of us so let's not make that an issue. The problem we are having is about our 17 year old daughter, who I am sure is a lesbian, but has not really come out of the closet.

She has always preferred sports over cooking or doing anything girly. She wouldn't be caught dead in a dress. I couldn't pay her enough money to put on makeup and all of her "friends" are just like her. They walk like boys, talk like boys and none of them have boyfriends.

My daughter had one boyfriend about three years ago, but he was just a very feminine guy friend of hers and I was a little offended that she tried to get over on us with that. He would refer to her as "girl" and called me "Miss Girl", so I knew that they weren't really dating. I got the impression that she did that because she wanted us to think that she was straight.

I have heard her on the phone arguing with a local girl who I think is also a lesbian and she was saying that she was "not trying to holla" at some girl.

I have tried to prepare my boyfriend for the fact that our daughter is probably going to come out some day, but won't hear me. He keeps badgering her about getting a boyfriend and is always telling her to keep those "dykes" out of his house, and no matter what I tell him, he's not listening to me. He is pushing our daughter away from us because I can tell that she is starting to stay away much more and every chance she gets, she closes herself off from the rest of the family.

I want my daughter to know that I love her and that I don't care if she is a lesbian or not, but I don't know how I'm going to do that when her father is always telling her how much he hates gays and making her feel bad?

Renata N.
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Dear Renata,

I think that the first thing you need to do is tell your boyfriend that he needs to shut his gat damn trap! The worst thing that he can do at this point in your daughter's life is to make her feel like she isn't a worthy part of the family.

You are absolutely right when you say that your boyfriend is going to turn your daughter away from the family and his good, grown and ignorant a$$ should know that. There is no reason for him to make her feel less than because at the end of the day, IF she's a lesbian, there is nothing HE or any other man can do to change that.

Let her be who she is and suggest that she's safe when or while she's doing it - that's all you can do. Is it ideal for a parent to have a gay child? Absolutely not, I don't think many parents would ask for that kind of drama for their child, but that doesn't mean that those parents will stop loving their child after they find out? Hopefully not.

The worst thing YOU can do is not speak up for your daughter when your boyfriend is badgering her about her sexuality - real or imagined. Someone needs to speak for her if she doesn't feel comfortable speaking up for herself and that person should be you. Speak up the MINUTE he does it.

Take your daughter out and have a one on one with her. Explain how you feel about the situation, tell her that you love her and that you hope that some day she'll be able to come to you and tell you what's really going on. Tell her that you love and support her no matter what side of the tracks she ends up on and leave it at that.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com