Dear Miss Pearl,
I've been with this guy for 9 years and engaged for 5
and we have 1 child together. Over a 2 year period, I've had 2 abortions because
we were struggling with our living situation and the 1 child that we had. I hate
myself everyday for doing such a selfish act. I've even tried to kill myself for
doing that. It's been hard but I'm getting past it. Before all of this came
about, some years ago I cheated on him with another guy and he knows about it.
What he doesn't know is that I had sex with the guy. I'm trying to bury it in
the past and move on with my life but it keeps haunting me.
told me he cheated on me and got the girl pregnant. I just wanted to die when he
told me that. From my understanding, she's keeping the kid. Now when I asked him
was he still talking to her or seeing her he said no. So about a month later, I
get the cell phone bill and realized he's still talking to her.
confronted him about it he was pissed saying that I was snooping through his
phone. They talk on the phone throughout the day and late in the middle of the
night. He talks to her more than he talks to me on the phone. I know he have to
still talk to her, seeing she is having his kid, but I don't want him to keep
lying to me about it. I want to be strong about the situation by being his woman
and staying by his side but it seems like it's getting harder to do that.
Anytime when I want to talk about it, he gets frustrated and sad because I keep
bringing it up. I don't know what else to do because I still have some
unanswered questions that are not getting answered.
I'm grateful that he
told me and it's making me feel a little guilty about not telling him what I
did. I don't want to lose him because I love him unconditionally. But how do you
get past something like this? Should I stay, tell him what I did and deal with
the new baby situation or Leave to give us some space so we can work on our
relationship or Stay, not tell him what I did and deal with the new baby
You're having some issues that I don't think that I'm
qualified to help you with, honestly. I'd love to be able to give you a life
lesson that will change your life in a couple of paragraphs, but the fact that
you've mentioned suicide means that I can't play "real talk" with you the way I
do others because of your state of mind.
The first thing you have to do
in this situation is forgive yourself for whatever decisions you've made.
Walking around mad at yourself for things that can't be changed, can't help you
get through the day. You have a one year old, and as far as I'm concerned, that
one year old is where your focus should be.
You need to talk to your
pastor, or find out about resources for free counseling in the city you live in
if you can't afford it. Honestly, your boyfriend and his baby should be
secondary. You've got to work on you first. Nobody wants to be on the receiving
end of a cheating lover/spouse, so, the good in this is that you can walk away
with the lesson that being cheated ON is no walk in the park and hopefully apply
that to whatever relationship you end up in moving forward. The bad thing for
you, is that a baby will be born out of this situation and I'm sure that if you
and your boyfriend don't work on your relationship in the future, things will
only go downhill from here.
Knowing that you're going through issues
because of the abortions, will you be able to handle your boyfriend's new baby
coming around, when the fact that you had the abortions in the first place was
because you couldn't afford them WITH him? - How will you deal with the fact
that he couldn't afford a baby with you, but chose to have irresponsible sex
with someone that eventually resulted in a baby anyway?
If you're STILL
not married after a 5-year engagement because of financial difficulties, how
does 18 years of even MORE financial uncertainty sound to you? The best life
lessons are the ones you weren't expecting! You have to decide within yourself
if what you want is what you have right now - and how 18 years of child support
payments will eventually affect your bottom line.
Were you wrong for
cheating? Yes, you were - but that's over and you need to let it go. Was your
boyfriend wrong for cheating? Yes, he was - but if he's not going to stop seeing
this girl, then it shifts from a "fling" to a relationship, and that's not fair
to you. After all, you've been with him for 9 years, 5 of which you've been a
fiancee'... someone needs to draw the line and honestly, after he's made a baby
on the side, I don't care who it is, it needs to happen.
If he wanted to
marry you, then he should have manned up and walked you down the aisle - 9 years
is more than enough time to get it together. And, as much as I believe that you
want to marry this man - I wouldn't advise jumping the broom to prove something
to the other woman - or to yourself.
Get into counseling by yourself
first, and then take him with you because he needs to understand that what he
did has a major affect on your family structure and "snooping" should be
expected when he's cheated on you and made a baby.
I don't know how he's
going to feel about you cheating, but I wouldn't suggest telling him right now.
IF it ever comes up, that may be something that shouldn't come up until you get
the "OK" from a professional - I'm' not a counselor, I just play one
Get it together, girl. You're in for the long haul if you decide
to ride this one out!
If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an
email to: firstname.lastname@example.org