Happy New Year Ms. Pearl,
I love to read your blog but I have to say I never thought I would write for advice. I am literally in shock and I need a neutral ear to cipher through this mess.
I recently learned that my husband of 16 years had been carrying on an affair/frienship/inappropriate relationship with another woman - via the phone. Though I am sure it was never physical, it was definitely emotional. He said he would stop and he did...so I thought. Now I have learned that he is carrying on via Facebook (I am not the snooping type...my crazy sister is actually on his friends list (he does not know this) and she saw that he recently added this woman to the list.
But that is not the big news believe it or not. This man has been lying to the world and himself! His profile is full of lies. I MEAN L-I-E-S! The weird part is he could do all that he claims (go to school, bunjee jumping, etc).
Years ago I told him we could live on one salary and he could go back to school or whatever. He prefers to lie about it. He has pictures that have been staged or doctored and his female "fans" LOVE HIM! One sister wrote that he is the best man she ever "e-met." What the hell does it mean to "e-know" someone?
Are these women crazy? Is he crazy? I am wife number 3...1 & 2 ended due to his cheating and beating. I never thought it would happen to me but if he can cheat...? What do I do?
Confused in Chi Town
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You say that you've been with the man for 16 years, so, from a realistic perspective I'd have to ask what the relationship has been like up to the point that he began crafting a persona online... was he a good man and provider up until that point? Is he still a good man/provider, lying about having a degree, performing surgeries, and being nominated Queen of England aside?
How long was he with his other wives and, if he's been with you the longest, is it because they chose to step away and you chose to ignore the things that they refused to deal with and stick around?
The thing with the Internet is that most people get on there and lie about their lives... isn't that what the Internet and facebook and stuff is all about - people making their exes and the people they grew up with think that their lives have turned out 1.5 times better than it really has?
That's why you have people on your friends list posting pictures of $3,000 Gucci bags talking about, "I must have this!" knowing they don't even know where to find the Gucci store because they don't have one in the ghetto strip center they normally shop at.
The difference here is that your husband has crafted a life for himself and he's now taken it to the next level by communicating with broads who find his fictional lifestyle appealing. There is often a next step in this process. I'm not saying that all of his friends should be male, what I'm saying is that he's "peacocking" for a reason. If he knows that there is an issue in his household about a certain broad, then common decency and respect says that he shouldn't put her on his friends list because it's out right disrespectful and looks quite suspicious if you ask a b*tch like me.
Can you become friends with your exes, or men who've flirted with you? I highly doubt it.
Some people lie about what they are because they don't like who they are. The problem you have is that your man has cheated before and his actions suggest that if he's not cheating now, he's taking the initial steps to get there.
Why is your sister on his friends list, but you're not? If there is nothing to hide, then you should be on that list too - the only problem with not trusting your man is that receiving access to his online persona doesn't mean $hit when he can create another one to hoe with.
You're going to have to have another talk with your man and either you're going to have to use your common sense to deduce whether you believe him and if you feel comfortable enough to trust him. If not, you're going to worry yourself to sleep every time he turns on his laptop or gets a new smart phone.
He has an obligation to explain this to you and you have a right to be concerned, but I'll say this - if your sister is on his friends list and you don't believe that he's cheating, I would let it breathe for a bit and have your sister keep a tally on any behaviors she deems inappropriate and then when you have enough worthy information - have a come to Jesus with your man and literally lay out all of your suspicions on the table.
I'm not a believer in the thought process that, "once a cheater always a cheater" because people do and can change - if they want to. Your husband has a history and it looks like lying is slowly becoming commonplace again, so it's natural for you to not be trusting when he's giving you reason.
He's setting himself up, but like I asked before - is your husband a good man outside of all of this Internet lying? Has your sister said that he's done anything inappropriate other than say he has a degree and scuba dives? If not, the only issue you need to address is his new, old friend.
If you want advice from Miss Pearl, please send me an email to: email@example.com